I went to see my doctor last week, which was certainly a move for the best in my life. I've had insomnia, sleeping often only five or six nights a week recently, and I've been feeling down too (the two are regularly linked to each other), so my doctor put me on an antidepressant and a sleep aid. The two have certainly helped, seeing as how I've got myself back on a more regular sleeping schedule and I've been feeling better overall lately. I've been going to bed at a more regular time (normally by midnight), and getting up early without needing an alarm clock. I've been up by 6 or 7 AM daily except for today when I slept in to about 9AM. With my higher spirits and cleaner lifestyle, I feel like I can get back on top of life again, so now it's time to prove I can put my actions behind those words.

This Halloween: Hell.

So I didn't celebrate Halloween this year, it just didn't happen. That does not mean that it was not an eventful day, quite the opposite actually. I decided to go to my parents to do some laundry, which was rather uneventful. My drive home however was one to remember.
On my way home I decided to put the last $20 I had to my name to use by buying gasoline for my car. The gas station is right around the block from my apartment complex, you can actually see the complex buildings from the pump. On my way home from my parents, I was feeling better than I have lately. I had fixed my car radio so it was working properly again (there was a frayed wire shorting out my amps) and I was putting gas in the car, tonight was starting to look like a halfway decent night.
After pulling out of the Wawa (gas station near me) I pulled up to a traffic light, which happened to be red. I sat and waited for the light to cycle through the green with green left turn for traffic coming in the opposite direction, and finally the light turned green for my direction. As one might expect, I started to ease the car forward, pulling out into the intersection as I had the right of way.
Coming at me was a small car, about the size of a Toyota Echo, Saturn Ion, or Ford Escort full of high school aged kids all dressed up in costume, heading to a party or coming home, as would be expected on this fine Halloween night. As they approached, I noticed their left turn signal on, and yet they were not slowing down as traffic patterns would dictate they should do. Naturally this led to to be cautious as I entered the intersection, and I moved my foot to the brake, preparing to stop if needed. Not only did the car continue forward at me at full momentum, they were taking the turn wide, meaning my precautionary measures were quickly being proven in vain. Now facing the passenger of the other vehicle dead on, their car barreling towards me at a decent 35-40mph, driver and four passengers just becoming aware of my existence in their path, I had no choice but to make one last Hail Mary effort to avoid a direct head-on collision. I turned my wheel as far to the left as possible and stepped on the gas hard, trying to move my car out of their path. Fortunately enough I managed to get my car far enough to the side to avert disaster and only suffer a glancing blow, one which did not set off the airbags, and felt merely like I had hit a bad pothole or speed bump.
The crunch was deafening, and within an instant it was over. The entire front quarter panel of the other vehicle was torn to pieces, there was debris all over the road, and I was just coming to a stop, parking and putting on my flashers.
Inhale as I checked to make sure I was okay, immediately jumping out of the car and running to check on the other driver and her passengers. Everyone was okay, though a bit shaken. I could see the panic in her eyes, but help was there. Others sitting at the light had jumped out and into action, immediately checking on her and her passengers, putting on their flashers and helping to direct traffic. Somewhere in the mess of things a call was placed to the police. I had a second to inspect their car briefly; the windshield was a web of cracks on the passengers side, their wheel was banged up and the tire was flat. It was clear to me immediately that their frame was bent, which was confirmed when she attempted to start her car with no luck.
Safe and in one piece, I had a chance to inspect my car. The passenger side lights were working and on, though the housing was severely damaged. The bumper: in decent shape, but the grill had been bent outward decently severely. The engine still ran, the wheel still turned, and the car was mobile, but how could it be possible that so little damage came to be on my car whilst the other vehicle was immobile? The thought tugged at the back of my mind, but there was traffic and flashing lights now, and it was the least of my worries, because I still had a suspended license, and a bench warrant.
Cooperation. Cooperation with the police, with witnesses, with the other driver and families. Complete honesty, hide nothing, stick around and deal with this, I was in trouble.
Finally there was a bit of calm, the intersection was cleared and I was asked to move my car. I talked to the officer, who I could see sitting in his car, my license information up on the screen of his computer. I approached, and I was informed of my warrant, as well as my suspended license. "Yes sir, I know my license is suspended. I did not know I had a warrant, what is it for? Yes sir, I'm going to have a seat while you finish the file, is it okay if I sit in or by my car?" The officer stepped out of the car, pulling out the handcuffs immediately. "Officer I have a pocketknife on me, in my right front pocket. I am fully willing to cooperate, I understand you have to arrest me. Are the handcuffs necessary? I would really rather not wear them. Yes sir, I understand, you are doing your job. My mother is on her way, is it possible to wait for her to arrive before you take me to the station? Thank you, I appreciate it."
$289 later, a ticket for operating a vehicle on a suspended license, and a shitstorm from my mother later, and I was out of the police station, wrists still slightly sore from the handcuffs.
Back at my car the damage to my vehicle became apparent. The wheel was rubbing the back of the wheel well. There was a large section of the outer rim of my wheel missing. The cover on the nozzle to inflate the tire: sheared clean in half, though the nozzle was still there and working perfectly. The one advantage of having the previous owner put extra large tires on the vehicle: the spare was standard sized, it would fit without rubbing the wheel well.
Forty-five minutes later and with the spare on the front and the actual wheel under the car, I pulled out of the parking lot and made the tenth of a mile trip down the road to my apartment complex. Pulling out of the parking lot I knew the extent of the damage: the car was pulling hard to the right, the all-wheel-drive mechanism for the front passenger wheel was grinding audibly, and I could feel the car cringe with each labored rotation of the axle.
Finally home, my mother pulling in beside me, we carried in my laundry and other items from my car. An exchange of words; scorn for the warrant, scorn for the suspended license - relief for the fact I was safe and uninjured. A long hug, words formed and flowed from my mouth, choked back tears, just hold on to yourself, just a few more minutes, don't lose your composure yet...
Goodbyes and the flat sound of a security door firmly closing shut. A breath, a pause, emotions. So many emotions, anger, sadness, humility, why me? What could I have possibly done to deserve this? The second car in six months, disabled whilst under my control with no way for me to have predicted or avoided the inevitable. If only I had gone out the other exit for the gas station.. if only I had decided to wait and fill the tank tomorrow...
So many if's, one numb reality. I shouldn't have swerved. I should have let the impact happen full on. I drive a Blazer, 4-door, on larger than average wheels, my injuries would have been minimal, and it would have really driven the point home to those idiot kids...
I feel terrible. That's not right, I did the right thing. I swerved and tried to avoid disaster, and I might have saved a car full of kids' lives, yet they will never know how close they were to serious injury, or death even. They were so close to it they could have reached out and shook the cold hand of misfortune... So close, but averted because I did the right thing. 'I did do the right thing.' I tell myself in my head, 'I made the right choice, I did the right thing.'
Tears stream down my face, silently. Anger, frustration, humility, it all comes out now. I'm so emotional I want to punch something, trash my apartment, knock everything over - but I don't. I fling my arms around, I cry silently. Frustrated and annoyed and angry, I surrender, collapsing onto the couch. Dull, exhausted, numb - I wish only for something to drown out the night. Alcohol, and lots of it. My wish, my desire, but not my reality. Cannabis, alcohol, pain killers - something? Please?
I digress. Inebriation is not the solution, conversation is. I find my hand is already opening my phone, in my recent calls. Carmen - I have to call Carmen, we were supposed to hang out. A scary movie night, that was the plan, we would sit in my apartment, make jokes and talk about our lives and people, laughing away our problems.. You can see how well that turned out.
An hour and twenty minutes later and I'm a bit more relaxed, wound down and past the breakdown. Music, music always helps; but strangely not tonight. A trend I have noticed recently, the music doesn't help anymore. The one thing that has been able to help me remain stable on the outside, the one thing that has always been able to bring me back in, no matter how deeply into the void I call a mind I had fallen, now useless. The music meant nothing, it had no effect.
Torn, broken and numb there it was, a hint of a thought in the darkest, deepest corner of my mind was the remains of the hint that was the answer. Less tangible than fog, it was the slight whisper of a rustled leaf in the moonlight, and as it echoed in my head it solidified, rapidly gaining shape and meaning and definition, the echo of the moonlight became deafening and I knew; it was all I have left.
Before my consciousness had completed comprehension of that hint of a whisper my keyboard was in my lap, the mouse in my hand, cursor at work before my eyes and I was a passenger in my own existence. Still not fully conscious of my actions, the soft tapping and clicking echoed reassuringly through my head as my fingers flew across the keyboard, typing. Typing, typing, seemingly endless typing from my fingers, as if by the hands of another the words began to flow as emotion poured out through the keyboard...
At last I had my release, it was all out and open, ready for interpretation and comprehension later on, the words were there, leading up to this very sentence. A pause as my thoughts caught up with my hands and suddenly I find myself able to breathe, the heaviness lifted from my chest. Strangely at peace, I sit, staring at the words on my screen, the very words you are likely reading now. There it is, my thoughts, feelings, my inner workings raw on the screen, vulnerable to the claws and fangs of criticism, waiting only for the cursor to move down the page, to stop over those innocent six characters whose sole existence condemn this raw out-pour of self to a fate of exposure to the world, and so I click..

Can't sleep.
Eating schedule is all fucked up, I'm always hungry but can't ever decide on something worth eating.
If I was a woman, I'd swear I was pregnant.
Hell, even sex isn't as gratifying as it used to be
God knows it isn't the choice of partners, I've found one whose company I really do enjoy, but somehow I know I'll manage to fuck it up;
I always do.
I have a career now. You would think that would make me happy; it doesn't. I actually feel more pathetic and useless than I did when I was unemployed. I mean, look at me now: I'm caught up in some bullshit Pyramid Scheme that probably will just end in failure, being fucked over in life because I made a lot of dumb mistakes over the summer....

I used to be able to listen to music, like certain songs, and remember days of my past where all I had to worry about was school and grades and paying for the car and insurance, a time when nothing really mattered, because everything was good and in order, and it used to make me feel happy, to know that I was capable of such times and feelings.
Now it's all gone. When I listen to the songs one of two things happens. Either I get sick of the song the minute I turn it on and sit and feel disgusted with myself in the sulking silence, or the music reminds me of how much I've fucked things up and how much I've wasted the last months of my life.

Carmen and I used to talk about the Christmas Feeling, which is basically when you hit a certain mood, one where literally anything could happen right in front of your eyes and it would mean nothing to you. Not that you wouldn't care because it didn't effect you, just a feeling where no matter what happened in the world, you knew that you are alive, and that you made it this far, and that you have so much potential and talent, and as long as you truly desire to do something, nothing can stop you. I can't remember the last time I had the Christmas Feeling. I remember times when I had it, when I was truly at peace with myself and those around me, but they were ages ago, years ago and now it only makes me sad, because I no longer feel like I can feel it.

I used to cut myself, back before I was this jaded. Now it isn't an issue of not knowing if I can feel anything, I am well aware I can feel, I just wish I was feeling something other than the shit hand I have dealt myself.

I've thought about talking to doctors, psychologists, whatever the hell you want to call them, but I don't know that I would ever go, I'm better than that; I've always been better than that. It's not like I am nonfunctional anymore, I've just changed and I don't like it. I'm making stupid, dumb, idiotic mistakes. Two days ago while working on my car I had the hood popped, and forgot to latch it back down all the way before I drove. You guessed it, the hood flew up on the road, slammed into the windshield and cut off my vision completely. I nearly got into an accident, and yet my first reaction wasn't 'oh shit this is bad' it was 'well that was stupid'. And just a few moments ago, while playing with a Zippo, I managed to stupidly grab the metal while the lighter was lit. I now have two of my fingers imprinted and scorched with the circles of the holes in the metal of the Zippo.

Well off to watch more drama and feel like a waste before passing out at some point. Damn I wish I had some alcohol right about now. I'm done with the drugs, they never lead anywhere.

..I just tested my rather expensive speakers needed for the business and discovered the 15" speaker cone in one of them is destroyed. The really sad part: you don't replace just one at a time. Estimated cost before shipping for the 15lb replacement parts: $170 per speaker. There are two of them. Not only that, I should really upgrade the subwoofer too, which the cone to upgrade that 18" speaker is $300. Oh man, add that to the fact I need to come up with at least $1500 to fund my first event and this business may be off to a VERY slow start.

Well, I guess I damn well better hurry up and finish this business plan so I can get some funding!

A close friend of mine - who am I kidding, my one true friend in person - once sent me an excerpt she had read online about love. It defined what love is and what love is like as well as where you can find it. Am I in love? Heavens no! The relevance lies not in the topic, but in the view and mentality with which it was approached. The excerpt detailed how love is intangible, and being intangible, it was impossible to truly define because love is so exact yet has so many forms all in the same time that there is no definition that can precisely describe love while encompassing its' many forms all in the same.

The article went on to state that, being intangible, love cannot be found, it cannot be sought out or hunted or bought, love had to be stumbled upon. The article mentioned that you can indeed attempt to hunt down love, or find it or buy it, but in doing so, you would only destroy the one thing that you were truly trying to find and preserve.

I find this extremely true with all intangible things, not just love. It is true of things ranging from friendship, companionship, experience, memories and even other things we claim we do buy or hunt down like a career, a family, or a mood. All of these things, while we may argue they can very well be bought, are intangible and therefore cannot be bought or hunted or captured.

True, in a sense we can buy companionship, even a family thanks to adoptive services, but we do not buy them with money. The same goes for experience and moods or memories - you cannot expect to walk right up to another individual, hand over cash and receive these because they are not something you can simply walk in and pick up. Even careers and families cannot be bought despite the tangible evidence proving an individual may have that job or family. These things must be left to happen by nature, otherwise all you have is the illusion of a family or career or mood or experience.

It is too often that one goes out with a conscious effort to find one of these intangibles, which they destroy by trying too hard and accidentally pushing themselves farther and farther from their desire. Only once we step back and give ourselves some time can we stumble into the right situation where these things happen naturally. As long as we are exerting such effort into these things, we lose focus on our goal and make mistakes in trying too hard to be perfect for the situation.

I have had the chance to step back and re-evaluate a number of aspects of myself in the recent days, and lo and behold the intangibles I have been after are now in my reach thanks to stepping back. While nothing is set in stone just yet, the basis of this remains the same: I have learned through experience that the best thing to do is to be myself, step back and go with the flow of things. If the situations are meant to prove more in the grand scheme of things, then so be it, I am along for the ride and shall be as long as I simply do what comes naturally and not overly think about these changes and where I would like for them to go. I feel this outlook can apply to everyone, and that in accepting this mentality, we all may better our lives and become the people we truly are and who we will enjoy being, not the unhappy person we strive so hard to convince ourselves we should be.